Are you aware of the fears that are holding you back?
As I write this, I’m aware of a sense of fear. The fear is this: that I won’t connect with writing something useful for you and therefore do a bad job. Is this kind of fear familiar to you, too? It doesn’t make for a good approach to writing!
This sense of fear is one we all face, I believe, every day. We often wake up with a sense of all the difficult things on our daily to-do list and the very high possibility that we are going to do it all wrong. Some of us also think that this negative approach propels us towards better outcomes, but there’s plenty of research to suggest that the opposite is true.
First of all, that feeling of not being good enough is more common than many of us realise. But estimates vary widely depending on whether researchers measure self-esteem, impostor syndrome, or the related self-doubt. The imposter phenomenon, that feeling of ‘I should be/feel better’ when reaching a level of competency (a degree, relationship, parenthood, etc), had a review of 62 studies included 14,161 participants and found a range of 9 – 82%, and averaging at a staggering 62% of us feeling we are not enough. And it’s higher in millennials. Does it give you a sense of relief to know many of us feel the same way?
And the really difficult things leave us with giving unhelpful messages to ourself. They kick in to more focussing on more fear. Messages like “Everyone else can do it, why can’t I?” “I am such a fake.” “ I just need to work harder.” What’s wrong with me?”
This self punishing talk can stifle our creativity as we compare ourselves to people who are not anything like the unique person we are.
There are two useful places to start changing that sense of not being enough and punishing ourselves for it.
Say your fear out loud. It doesn’t matter if no-one hears you, although saying it to a safe person who doesn’t condemn you for it can be helpful. Suppressing the fear and then adding a layer of unhelpful messages raises our stress, and the likelihood of finding positive solutions. Once you’ve acknowledged your fear or fears to yourself, and paused for a second or two, you can ask your more rational mind if it’s true. When I do this, I find myself suddenly realising my thoughts are way out there. Then can dismiss it for what it is – just part of my brain trying to keep me safe by taking me to worst possible scenarios.
Recognising that beating yourself up is going to make you feel and possibly act more negatively. In that moment you change the message. Instead of ‘What’s wrong with me?’ try asking “What would my best self do right now?” or flip it entirely and say, “What am I doing right?” You’ll find changing your self talk from self punishing to something more useful a little bit uncomfortable at first, but it becomes second nature after a while. And then you’ll surprise yourself with some of the solutions you find.
The other side effect of this is that your mood will probably change. You could change your level of fatigue as you, as it were, stopped fighting yourself and realised you're the best friend you could ever have. After all, the messages we often give ourselves are ones we’d never say to our friends. So we can, by doing this, often become the friend and ally we need.
If you make this a daily practice – our brains work best if we’re consistent – after a while, you’ll find some of this thinking becomes automatic habits. These two changes, saying your fears out loud first thing and then getting rid of them, and changing self punishing thoughts to something more useful, could change your life. And it only needs to take 5 minutes or less.
Would love to hear any comments or changes you find because of this. Please let me know
