Are you aware of the lies that are both comfortable and restricting your life?
Awareness of your mental, physical and spiritual reactions is important in learning how to be more yourself. Were you aware that your brain is trying to keep you safe by storing past perceived dangers? These are sometimes sitting in your logic and can be an utter lie, sitting in your thoughts that you have become familiar and comfortable. Something that you never have questioned, until now
The strongest prisons aren’t made of iron bars and locks, but your they often are those unhelpful thoughts, often lies, that can become part of your identity. If you don’t know how to look for them and unlock yourself from that prison, they can stay there and hold you back from being your whole self. They can be simple things like saying, “Oh that’s just the way I am.” “If I’m not doing something, I’m not worth anything.” “I made a mistake and everybody knows what a mess I am.” “I’m not a smart/strong/capable as… [name of person you’re compared to]”, “I don’t deserve a good partner/job/home/life.”
Often these come from life events that we’ve interpreted as children - and have come to wrong conclusion. Simple things like “If I tidy my room the way mum wants, then she’ll make me that cake she promised.” So, you tidy your room and she’s pleased but the cake doesn’t get made. So, you put more effort and ask again and still no promised cake. If this happens before 8, then you can wrongly assume that you’re at fault. It can become “If only I work harder.” and can also become “I never get things right! I’ll stop trying.” Can you see how these can become opinions of yourself that are limiting you? Because of the way your brain works, we naturally think of the worst thing first. Your brain, you see, is attempting to keep you out of danger by taking you to the danger. But you don’t need to believe that thought. As a kid, you don’t know that these thoughts aren’t true, nor what to change them to. As an adult these thoughts stay like a pair of comfy shoes if they’re not questioned.
I was with a four year old at a park where there were mostly older kids. A nine year old was on the same swing bridge and said, “You’re such a baby!” Of course, there were loud protests, and I appealed to their rational side and said, “Babies aren’t 4, they’re much bigger than that.” But I could see the baby label stung as it was mulled over. So, I tried. “What makes what he thinks important? You and I know you’re strong, smart, funny and BIG!” This approach worked better. A replacement thought always does, if you know how to use it.
When we’re younger, an adult or older child’s opinion can form some unhelpful beliefs. A teacher who says that you won’t ever get how something works, a sibling who undermines you in front of friends, an adult family member who says something offhand that goes straight to your heart. Usually for them, they’re the “You’re a baby,” comment, a passing thought that they never think about again. We’ve all had those trivial things that we mull over, and they can go deep.
More importantly, as an adult, how do you find those thoughts that have hunkered down and although unhelpful, are part of your thought furniture?
These are often wounds, and like pieces of sand in an oyster, they often get coatings of protection around them. So, they need coaxing out or have enough time and attention to be seen. For what they are. I can usually spot them after a couple of hours with clients. You can find them for yourself in some cases, too. Here are some of the signs.
You find yourself saying or thinking:
I always/ never… or I should or I must…
frequent looping thoughts, about what you’ve done or omitted to do
the most negative about certain situations
Making assumptions about what others are thinking
Believing the worst will happen because you haven’t done something perfectly.
Once you’ve spotted the pattern of these thoughts, you can interrupt them. A good way to start doing this is to interrupt them by asking yourself, “Is this really true?” Just interrupting them then becomes a good start to finding out where the thought started. Then you can begin to ditch the unhelpful thought entirely.
