Are you aware of what makes up real, sustained happiness?
Awareness of your mental, physical and spiritual reactions is an important part in learning how to be more yourself.
I have been interested in what makes people happy, no matter where they live, their age or other circumstances. I thought if I could find the universal commonality we all share I could just apply that to my own happiness. But as with other things that are truly worthwhile, it’s not just one thing – and it certainly isn’t a formula. Are you interested in being happy? The reason I ask is I know some people who seem more interested in staying miserable and focussing on the negative thinking that hijacks the choices their brain could be making.
Many people have studied happiness. Whole communities in fact, like Buddhist monks (who, to me, don’t seem to be very outwardly happy.) What could be useful for you is some of the research findings. These happiness pursuers, including Santos, and earlier, Seligman, who referenced the earlier work of Lyubormisky, Ehrenreich and Csikszentmihalyi, among others and helped move psychology away from a focus on illness and disease. That was an important move.
Here’s what, as a group, they found:
What you think will make you happy doesn’t. Things. Status. A bigger house, more toys, better job, peer recognition, being first at something. All these things are external to who you are.
These things become part of your brain’s baseline within weeks of being acquired. This works for both positive and negative circumstances.
Your brain adapts to its baseline because it is designed to do that and is not dependant on how much effort you put in to get the promotion, win the gold medal or find the perfect relationship. Effort plus achievement does not equal more happiness in your brain’s equation.
What does give you a regular shot at happiness in stead, is a number of ways of thinking and feeling that we often don’t do, because they seem so tiny and unimportant. Together however, they form a mesh of mood that can even change your baseline.
They are elements of your day you can choose, like:
Positive social connection.
Being kind to yourself and others.
Taking a moment to enjoy your surroundings – a bird, a child smiling, trees, laughter, the smell of leaves on a bushwalk, the taste of good food.
Celebrating the ordinary – preparing a meal, a hot drink, brushing your hair, wearing something you like, noticing the tap of keys on your computer.
Sleep.
Movement – the gym, biking, walking, a dance class, tramping, swimming, tickling your kids, jumping on the couch.
Being outside.
Doing something new and challenging.
Prayer or meditation
Gratitude. That deliberate act of being thankful for the good things in your life.
These elements, combined, are what your brain is designed to register as safety and therefore this becomes sustained wellbeing. Choosing to pause and think on these things deliberately will build your happiness.
The curious thing is we still want these things we think will give us happiness – the faster more modern car, the trim taut and terrific body, the symmetrical face, the holidays in exotic places. Despite years of living on the planet and knowing more money won’t buy happy, we still desire it. We buy that elusive thing, the bauble that we’ve wanted for so long, and watched the disillusionment and baseline settle in again within a short time. The desire and ambition won’t go, so as long as these expectations are managed realistically, you’re good to go.
I have heard a man who coached athletes to win at the highest level, and they said to him afterwards about their amazing accomplishment, “Is this it? Is this what I worked for, for all these years?” Satisfaction and desire are very different things. You could even have a belief that says that a change in circumstance will bring happiness – winning the lotto, increasing business earnings or an inheritance for example. The research shows that this is not what happens.
But savouring the moment of watching a child chase bubbles, cuddling a puppy, smelling a great pizza and savouring that burst of flavour, the magic of a concert or listening to music in the sunshine, enjoying being with friends and family, seeing a beautiful flower, garden, pathway or building is taking time to remember the magic of your life. This is what brings happiness. The question is: will you pursue it?
Exercise
Try this for 3 weeks. Set an alarm on your clock for about 2pm or the nearest time to it that’s practical. Call your alarm ‘What’s given me joy today?’ When it rings, pause and breathe in. Recall the morning and what’s given you cause to pause and make you smile, catch your breath or brought you away from your to do list into just being you. See if you can name 3.
After a short while you’ll look for those things, and finding the good in your day will become easier.
Would love to hear from you about how this goes.
